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I was losing my mind last night. between my post here (which ended up being the proverbial tip to the iceberg) and my huge blow up on my myspace blog, I decided it'd be a good night to drink. Well, I post here, because I get some sense of anonymity back. And on myspace, nobody goes on there anymore so it's pretty safe too. Safe, yet might get views. but anyway, bad idea. I was actually starting to feel better (I wouldn't attribute it to the booze per se) but I lost track of my drinking. I do that when I drink alone, which I probably shouldn't do again.

I had about half one of those plastic bottles of peppermint schnapps (I don't know if those are fifths or not). I killed off my kettle one vodka after that, it was about 4 inches from the bottom. Ah, so if killing schnapps wasn't bad enough, putting heavier liquor on top of that, then the final straw, Skol vodka, which is just crap. I figured I wouldn't notice it at where I was, which should have been a sign there. but I had a couple of those and felt okay for a bit, in retrospect I think the room was spinning. Then the nausea, then the puking, etc. i had the sound too low on the T.V. because I was listening to Radiohead and Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex, but I can remember what was on T.V.

I was bawling most of the evening throughout the drinking. which would have been another indicator.

I know that I don't deserve to complain but I still do it and so does everyone else. And quite frankly the scales are tipped pretty heavy to not enjoying life. Everyone puts up with a certain amount of crap to get to the good parts of life. But the goods aren't real good and the bads aren't terrible but are plenty. I can't really die either, and I gotta keep my head above the waves to at least keep my family out of my mess, since my 'rents have cosigned a few things.

I complain about the same stuff every time and I'm sure it bugs the hell out of people if they even still listen, and I know it bugs the hell out of me. I'm starting to think about going back to school, but That could be the final nail to my coffin. My loans' interest period is coming up soon as well, which means my payments for Student Loans go back to 500 some dollars.

So I guess it comes down to getting two jobs. I don't know where to beign on that, cuz I've been on the sites and around town and there is not much shakin'.

i don't know what to do to better my life. I have these brainstorms and try to put it into action, try to change my attitude but it only lasts a little while. I wish there was just some good news for my future.

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